The idea of dating when you are chronically ill is terribly daunting. How do you meet someone to start with? And if you do meet someone what would you talk about??? What is he going to think when he looks in your fridge? What is she going to think when she finds your enema kit hanging in your bathroom? Is you earthing sheet or sleep sanctuary going to make him think you belong in a different kind of sanctuary?
We thought it would be fun to write some upfront personal ads. Please feel free to add yours in the comments!
Personals written by Ashley, Candice and Eric. Don’t even try to figure out who wrote which!
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Attractive 30 something seeks tall, confident, successful man late 30′s-40′s. Must have a strong stomach and be down with reverse lattes, homemade nasal spray, talking about my worm collection, strict diets and long naps.
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Sensitive female looking for a strong, compassionate, fragrance free man. Familiarity with ambulance and emergency rooms is a plus.
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Looking for tall, attractive, easy going, mature, currently employed man. Must live in a 2 bedroom house, at minimum. Personal transportation preferable, and bicycles don’t count. Must be down with the fact that I put coffee up my butt, pee up my nose, and stick coconut oil on anything or anywhere that looks suspicious. Must be okay with eating all things green and abstaining from most things white, and eating meals that only consist of 3 or 4 ingredients. I don’t really dine out and you’re probably not going to want to come back to my place.
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Single young female looking for attractive and friendly 20-something male, whose brain resides in his head and not elsewhere. Must either be in school or employed. Paramedics and pre-med students are a plus. Must not be alarmed by cardiac episodes, and bonus points if experienced in CPR.
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Looking for tall, attractive, 20-something male with good sense of humor. Must enjoy short walks on the beach, and long afternoons on the couch. Preferably fragrance free and down with the aroma of cooking cruciferous vegetables. Must be okay with never dining out, and should be familiar with terms such as “gluten”, “methylcobalamin” and “encephalopathy”.
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Young female looking for knight in shining armor. Preferably tall, dark and handsome, but will make exceptions for those employed by nutritional supplement companies, Whole Foods, or the medical industry. Must be in good condition and preferably able to occasionally lift 105 pounds. Must entirely abstain from use of cigarettes and cologne. Abstaining from glutenous foods and all things sugary and frosted is a plus. Incredibly open mind required.
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Single female, 30 something, interests include health and extreme wellness despite her lack of it. But, she doesn’t look sick so you can be proud to have her by your side when you take her out to meet your friends. You may have to ask her not to speak for fear she will say something that the average person will most likely find offensive. For example she has a habit of talking about bowel movements while eating, especially in large groups. She will also tell everyone about all her parasites. No matter what craziness comes out of her mouth you must believe her. Chances are every word of it is true.
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Sensual 30 something, with a bit of a wild streak, looking to break barriers and expand boundaries. Very hot… due to chronic illness induced temperature intolerance. Thanks to illness’s effects on the brain I have several personalities for you to choose from. Must be open to unorthodox enemas. If unorthodox enemas excite you, then I’m not the girl for you. Money can’t buy happiness, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Turn ons: Gluten Free food, Good health insurance coverage
Turn offs: Being awake more than 12 hours a day, Ticks, People who put coffee in oral orifice’s, Infectious Diseases Society of America
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Shy, intelligent, sexy 30 something, back on the scene. I live an extremely alternative lifestyle, but still looking for soul mate. Extreme lifestyle includes: Coffee Enemas, Urine sinus drops, Strict diet, severe gastrointestinal distress (I’m not ashamed of what goes on in there, you shouldn’t be either), bladder control issues (tickling is out of the question) and a severe addiction to pills, mixtures, drops and powders. Looking for soul mate, someone with great health insurance, nice 401K, access to medical care and looking for possible future commitment (to me, and the costly life saving treatments I will require that you pay for).
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May 16, 2011 at 7:16 am
Ash,
Thanks for the morning laughs. It started my day/morning off on a bright note.
I do wish my lymebrain could put one together with all our our special Lymie code words too.
You are a special girl,
Buzz
May 16, 2011 at 8:52 am
LOL…Great to laugh at our reality eh? Honestly, I think a Lymee commune is a good idea…kinda like the leprosy colony..We’d all live near each other and help each other.
May 16, 2011 at 11:27 am
I’m going to be honest. I’m really disappointed. After I wrote mine, I thought I’d wake up to a line of potential suitors at my door. Alas, there are no boys on my doorstep.
Still single,
Candice
May 16, 2011 at 1:04 pm
This is soooo funny, and true. Hmm which one should I use LOL i’m crying I’m laughing so hard. Gave me some thoughts to ponder, thats for sure. XO’s
May 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Ash, no matter what hangs in your bathroom, the size of the pill contained in your purse, sleep schedule, body function topic at the dinner table, discriotion of aches and pain, etc.; none of these define you. You are a very intelligent, funny, attractive woman and a joy to be with always. I love your honesty and value your friendship. The right person will come into your life and you both will live life together to the fullest possible. Never sought it Ash, there aren’t many in this world with your character
May 16, 2011 at 3:08 pm
See below for my second attempt. My first attempt via the phone was horrible with many typos and I don’t know how to delete it. Thanks Ash
May 16, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Ash, I sent a note from my phone but noticed some of the words didn’t type correctly so I’m going to try this again from the computer.
No matter what hangs in your bathroom, the size of your pill container in your purse, sleep schedule, bodily function topic at the dinner table, description of aches and pains, etc, none of these define you. You are a very intelligent, funny, attractive woman and a joy to be with always. I love your honesty and value your friendship. The right person will come into your life and you both will live together enjoying life to the fullest degree possible. Never doubt yourself Ash, there aren’t many in this world with your character.
Love you Ash as many others do too.
Doug
May 16, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Darkly funny…it’s healthy to laugh at yourself. Speaking as a lyme spouse…and actually I DO work for a nutritional supplements company! I especially liked “long naps and short walks on the beach”. And “reverse lattes”…
May 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm
How about these:
Loves the outdoors, picnicking, hikes in the woods, sitting under trees… but too afraid to actually go out and do any of those things.
Enjoys intellectual conversation and discussing current events… But can’t seem to remember anything or stay focused long enough to finish a conversation.
Enjoys eating out… but can’t seem to find a restaurant where one can eat that doesn’t have some ingredient which sets of the spirochetes.
May 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Wow, these were hilarious:
“Must enjoy short walks on the beach, and long afternoons on the couch.”
“If unorthodox enemas excite you, then I’m not the girl for you.”
Oh, and I’ve sooo been here on this one before:
“Turn ons: Good health insurance coverage”
Doh!
May 17, 2011 at 3:52 pm
hilarious!!
May 18, 2011 at 1:37 pm
I laughed, I saw myself, and then I laughed some more!
Thank you so much for this! Do you have more?
As I keep telling my family, “Keep laughing about this disease because if I can’t laugh, I cry”
May 18, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Loved the Single’s ads. When I met my husband I only gave him information as a need to know basis. Luckily over a 2 years, bit by bit he became personally involved and helpful with my multifaceted treatments anywhere from CE’s., organic smoothies, frequencies, appropriate rest, chronic illness terminology etc…etc.
Now he is like my partner in crime (oops I mean Lyme).
May 18, 2011 at 10:54 pm
These aren’t personal ads, but they’re related to the topic (and most are from a gal’s perspective), so I figured I’d share them:
I haven’t found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I’ll be at the airport.
Chocolate, men, coffee – some things are better rich.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:
Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
You turn down the lights because of photosensitivity rather than romance.
When your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You look forward to a dull evening
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn’t do anything the night before.
When your day was a total waste of makeup.
They’re not mine – credit to this website: http://tinyurl.com/5r4ub5k
May 24, 2011 at 11:29 am
I just spewed coffee up my nose instead of my —. Thanks for belly laughs.
June 4, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Woman in her late 30′s re~entering the dating world. Attractive, thin, intelligent, multi talented. Seeking like man, excited to join me in this journey. If you would like to see the world with me through my eyes, like those of one who is just coming into the light, won’t you join me in relearning what life is about?
Looking forward to our exciting lessons together; evenings spent with you perhaps showing me how to use the stove while you stand romantically behind me. Perhaps you can share your expertise of driving with me as we go for a nice Sunday drive together with me at the wheel; if you are brave enough.
Other romantic excursions we could try together might include trips to the grocery store, where you can support me as I learn to adjust to the sensory overload and try and remember how to shop. What fun we’ll have frolicking in the aisles!
Cooking lessons would be amazing. You teach, I’ll learn. These can be combined with the above mentioned lessons on how to use the stove. As we get to know each other better, perhaps you can walk me through use of all kitchen and appliances for good measure.
Let’s not forget lots of time for cuddling and watching movies together. This would happen at approximately 30 minute intervals.
Looking forward to meeting the right, adventuous guy and starting life over again! With your help and, if things work out, hopefully medical insurance and pension!
June 11, 2011 at 11:09 am
That is hilarious
July 23, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Love this post! My girlfriend has Lyme Disease, and there was a lot to identify with here. Love the blog…. gave you a shout out on our Lyme blog (www.sistersagainstlyme.com) and will continue to do so. Keep up the good work!
October 2, 2011 at 9:47 am
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