By Chris Nimphius
reposted with permission-


So as I sit here anxiety ridden waiting for the Holiday Season to arrive, it would be a bit misleading to say I was looking forward to it all. The masses of merriment, the over stimuli and people who live in the moment without distress (at least for the time being) is all something I will recognize and envy. I am not looking forward to being totally aloof and disconnected during my families Christmas Eve Party. Sure I will engage in convo, but for those of us that know this song and dance all too well; know that barely any of us are really ”engaged” in the convo. What you heard goes in one ear and out the other. Trying to recap what dialog just took place is like trying to recall your parents asking if you remember meeting a certain someone when it was only once at the age of two.  You just couldn’t put the pieces together if you tried or even begin to know where to start.
Everyone on Christmas and New Years brings out an altruistic display of themselves even those you have never heard utter a kind gesture or remark. To me the Holidays was that time that you could do just that. Be benevolent, forget about life for a while, relish in the time I spent with family, friends, and spoil yourself and those around you. Now the only thing this segment of Year makes me want to do is go run and hide in the corner and cower in fear like a little puppy timid of the world.

I loathe being like this because not only is this miles from the person I once knew but it effects others bliss as well seeing or knowing you’re not well enough to partake in such festivities. Some people are oblivious to your frustration and others simply can look into your eyes and see that you are in a world of distress.  Either way if someone understands it or not you are no longer the same old “you” and it feels like a little of you has died inside. The spark is just not as salient as it once was, that’s just the reality.

So lately I had an epiphany.  As much as this disease has us by the seat of our pants and how one day’s emotions can be such an immense disparity from the next, I am trying to sustain the right spirits for my overall well-being. And maybe just maybe it will be infectious =) So part of this epiphany has to do with self reflection.  I realized that that there is no need to be jaded anymore and have to start excepting things for what they are and not what use to be. I need to start filling myself with optimism and envision the possible things to come. I have copious amounts of wonderful things to be thankful for and embrace this Holiday Season.

Just for a few, I am able to devote time to my health and receive treatment under my mom’s loving care. This is considerably one of the biggest things I am thankful for seeing so many do not receive this opportunity and who are being robbed of this injustice.  Then there is my family and friends who have never left my side and never had to debate over my health nor question my integrity. From the get go they knew something was wrong, took my word for it and promptly went to work on how to alleviate the problem. Once again I understand many also lack this support in their lives and it truly breaks my heart. And lastly I have become a member of a community of chronically ill people who display more bravado, will to succeed, tenacity, heart and soul than most people I have ever encountered in my life.  So when I look at the grand scheme of things I realize I have just received the greatest gift of all.  I have received a greater appreciation for life, enriched my life with kindred souls all supporting one another to make sure no one will fall, have fortified my relationship with God, have brought new people into my family that I otherwise wouldn’t have and the gift that keeps giving which is I get to wake up each and every day to try to vanquish over this disease.

So instead of me being the petulant, complaining, “why me,” loathing the world type of person this Holiday Season I am going to attempt to welcome it with open arms and embrace it for what it is.  It will be an especially trying time, but at least I can say I pushed myself and still have reason to be at the end of the day.

I wish I could change this all for us I really do and I wish we had the answers, but like I have said before, I am not quite sure we were ever meant to have the answers. My gift to all you is my unbounded support, friendship and hopefully I can inspire you to see the bright side to life. I cannot change the status quo or harmonize the world for us, but we can harmony they we live.  I am wishing each and everyone one of you a wonderful Holiday whether it brings you joy or not. All I am asking is that you take a look around, look up at the sky and say to yourself; yea I have been dealt crappy hand, life isn’t always beautiful, but sometimes when you see it through the right eyes beauty can be found =) Find things to be thankful for because everyone of us has something they should be thankful for.  Happy Holidays and I am hoping the New Year brings in many new beginnings for many of us.  It’s time to turn the tide and it starts with the way we think and live =)